It’s been long, like way to long to have written something. It’s another day , another Tuesday but a Valentine’s Day as they call it. Well, I didn’t find my love so I’m trying to find a way to love me more than before. To give into what I love somehow doing, than depending on people for love that hardly came my way.
It was just another day but without any routine, any expectation any rules. Just a day as it was but with memories of little things that touch today,that necessarily is not love anymore but a shadow of myself that I used to be. The memories are an ode to those little things I cherish about, that made them special to remember and smile when I look back at the times gone by.
Today I am free, free from the burden of scoring in class examination, free from the expectation of trying to be someone in life, to prove to the society , to prove to my parents, free from the thought of meeting the expectations of job, free from the thought that there is anybody out there waiting for me or me waiting for anyone. No hopes no expectations no feelings of pain or pleasure. Some days are just empty , today was one such day.
I have quit my first job and I know not where life will lead to. Today was the first day I stopped being a slave to the the societal rules and norms of what an average life should be. All day I looked at the watch and tried to match as to what I did at this hour of the day just a day before when I was in a full time job. Honestly a part of me was scared , it still is and will be so for sometime I know but there is also a satisfaction of making the call that I wanted to do for long but could not gather up the courage to do so. May be the upcoming days will be depressing, frustrating, I will curse myself for quitting my job, will run away from family and known faces for having to answer the same question again and again. May be someday I will get back to this life of slave forced by circumstances, till then, I want to try being someone different. The road is tough and I am alone in this journey but some little things, some words like “I believe in you” might help me keep walking the path of trial and error till I make any further decision.
You know not who, when, how comes to your help even without their knowledge. I waited for approval from my close ones, parents, friends but never said it to them. Some joked, some gave advice, some started listing pros and cons. What I wanted to hear was “go ahead I believe u can”. Then someday someone said this to me a few weeks back “I believe in you”. The decision I was wanting to take became easier. Somehow I gained a confidence, how I don’t know but I remembered how I used to be confidant back in the days when that someone was around.That very someone had said a few days earlier to this -what have I done to prove to my parents that they will believe in me. That didn’t go down very well with me as I was not prepared for such a statement and suffered questioning myself for a week till the lump in my throat subsided and I started to a peaceful sleep at night. I know not how to respond to all this but these little things, that touch and go.
Virtual relations command today on social media than what used to be real someday in the past. You realize time and tide has moved things way past that you can not reach any closer but only drift farther apart. You have nothing else more to do than smile back to yourself when you meet after years of silence and in the tension of the moment you can not put in the jack of your helmet’s belt. That someone watches over it standing by your side, seeing you fidgeting with the thing, still trying hard but does not lend a helping hand because you do not share that space anymore. Only a voice you hear from the covers outside the helmet that you have been putting the jack in wrong place all these time.
Someone admires you and then you admire someone, the never ending chain goes on and on for few people. Some people are like parallel lines of rail tracks. In ways more than one they feel, look similar or are heading to a similar unknown journey they know not where but they are travelling together ignoring each other’s conscious presence in a forbidden distance that at times tend to meet but they never meet.